Yesterday

Christ Must be my greatest passion. However, I cannot say that a majority of the time he is. My blindness is so extensive, I am born with a need of Christ on my heart and the Lord’s divine nature and eternalness is obvious in all things that he has made but I find it hard to live in it. Even more, he has been revealed to me as a scandalous member of the elect, I am given the gift of the holy spirit who leads me and directs me. Even more, God has given me a need for his recorded word and I have been in it a decent amount. Even more, I have been given wonderful community where I am constantly inundated with Christ’s nature and person through my brothers and sisters. Then where is my excuse when I live day in and day out involved in minor skirmishes against the sanctification which is given for my joy and Gods ultimate glory.
I am washed out in my interaction with Jesus. My impish attempts at following him are wrought with hesitations for I refuse to set him up as my ultimate goal. I exchange a relationship which is more fulfilling then my capacity to be filled for a worthless trinket which shifts flippantly from pride to lust to self adulation to comfort. My end is selfish and I do not live in servitude. I am shamed by diligent brothers in Christ who model a good soldier and who tailor there life for the purpose of the Gospel. I would rather argue and create strife in the name of the truth while I abandon love and patience.
But God in his infinite grace steadfastly chases me! God in his Wonderful forbearance would still pursue me! I am a willing servant for that which destructs but Christ still hangs on the Cross for me. While I talked on my phone as freshman moved in he still died for me, as I wander in my thoughts and fall into impurity he still intended me to be his before the foundation of the world. My God! Why is your favour un merited. You steadfast love endures forever.
Christ, your wooing of me extends to my darkest moments. Tonight, as I caught the flu by your sovereignty, I was brought to my knees ( literally) in painful nausea. I had no control over my body as I was gripped by violent dry heaving and an inability to keep even water in my belly. No degree of numerous broken bones, thrashing football games, joint- destroying wrestling, lacrosse fights, or brutal MMA training kept me from my default- a direct and weak denial of Christ as my only joy and a pursuit of comfort in my affliction. I am like a homeless man who is offered a four star supper and upon entering the restaurant walks through dining room, past the kitchen and goes through the back door to fish out expired meats and mayonnaise soaked bread. As I vomited in my dorm sink all of my crutches were kicked out from under me as wallowed in helplessness. Optimism- swept away, lust- futile, anger- dismantled, and pride was stripped of its potency as I leaned over the faucet and wiped saliva from the corner of my mouth. My only, and to my shame the last, hope for me in that moment was Christ. His worth stood before me radiating in glorious oscillations. My worth in that moment was laughable in the ominous shadow of the holy Saviour. My happiness became obsolete as joy filled my heart. His glory filled me as I recalled how his sacrifice was complete and how he loved me through my sin because of his work on the cross. I still vomited violently but as my head bobbed up from the sink I caught my expression in the mirror, it was a smile! Not of any work or mindset that I could muster but rather Gods power at work in me. It was as if my joy was removed from my circumstances and was set in the unshakable bastion of the gospel. Ill say it plainly, my joy is not impacted by things that happen to me. King, your gospel is where I must stand in the midst of my affliction.