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I am so worried of people finding out who I am. I guise it with outgoingness or big words or clothes or preferences. I put on another personality with a different image or feeling. I am worried that people wont respond to me in the desired way—it fleshes out artificially though. I think that I am introverted. When I am at my most sincere and comfortable I am quiet and responsive, not outpouring. I like to think and plan in silence. I can identify with my friend David whose most sincere moments are in solitude and I resonate most with him.
As I write this I am coming to realize that this conviction is not the silver bullet. I am identified with Christ. I do not attain to a standard because I am already that. Therefore I have freedom in that to be…who I am? Is that how it works? The way I really am is OK to be in Christ? For a majority of my life I have not felt it acceptable to be myself.
Because I can merely determine some of human nature I began in high school to alter my perceived self and appearance. I think it began then. It gave way to a compartmentalization of my life. Some friends began to be separated from others for sake of appearances and some clothes were worn with some friends while some were worn with others. Some topics were verbalized and others weren’t. I was always afraid to show my true self so I disguised it with multiple ones.
I am striving to realize how my worth is in Christ is a new creation so I am free to be how I was made to be. I haven’t fixed anything here. Rather, I need to know how the gospel works here in practicum. How is my personality redeemed in the new creation? How do I lead in my sincere personality? How do I be excited? How do I be angry? I see my actuality as semi- emotionless. This, I know, cant be true. Lord, reveal to me what this is. Show me how to be in my newness. How do I only say things that I feel, nothing more? How do I trust in your sovereignty o king and not try to manipulate the situation? How do lead men in my sincere-ness? Does this work the same way as counting all things as rubbish for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ? Oh Jesus how I know that pride would infect the beauty of the way you have made me in Christ. Can this way I actually am be the way I glory in Christ? Is this the way I must decrease, be crucified, die to myself? Oh great king, I don’t have powers—you do. I am nothing you are everything.